Hello there, old friend. By now I have sort of admitted to myself that it will never be such that I will update this blog regularly and have a real account of my life. I still come back some days thinking that maybe even these random sporadic updates will give me a tiny glimpse of a younger me when I’m old and senile. So, dear old me, this current phase of your/my life is called Finally Getting to Know What Being Really Busy Is.
These days, I am prone to joking that I now have the answer to the question “What would you do if you could travel back in time and fix one thing?” Except I have two things to fix. One: I would like to deliver a loud, resounding slap to my past self who, while lying prostrate on the bed, eating a bag of chips, watching some meaningless show or the other, would whine but-where-is-the-tiiiiiime about so many things/activities/meetings/fun things!! Probably things weren’t exactly that bad, but old me was definitely, undoubtedly lazier than the me of today. Today-me is a mommy and whoa, does this biatch know now to multi-task. No day can be complete without it, and there is no way to survive without it either. I guess I should be happier that given my old ways, I had it in me to find a way to make things work but I can’t help rue the years that have passed me by. Well I am only 30 at the moment but learning some efficiency at 25 would have been so much better. For this reason alone, I believe one should have (if planning to, in the first place) kids earlier in life! It also doesn’t help matters that even though my new self has learnt a thing or two about time management, the things to manage are actually pretty monotonous – baby nap times, baby feeding schedules, baby food prep, my meals, baby play time, walk with baby, baby bath, baby massage, my shower (yes, planning to take a shower is a thing), my TV time/ reading time/ surfing time which I collectively refer to as my preventing-insanity time – well, you get the drift. Wouldn’t have been the case pre-baby, right? I know this sounds like I think of my baby and mommyhood as work, but it IS work and well, I did not say that putting in effort into this monotony does not provide satisfaction or fun. Like baking a perfect cake or reading a book or knitting a pair of socks, it is the kind of work that pays nothing but there’s something to look at and feel good about nonetheless. Only it’s a breathing, jumping, giggling human being and every feeling of marvel is amplified 100x. I don’t mean to sound like I am glorifying motherhood because of course there are some terrible days – feeling fat days, feeling worthless days, feeling bored days, days filled with insomnia-fueled exhaustion, days when just a single replay of that same toy’s jingle can send you over the edge – and yet, I do not lie when I say that for most moms, the sound of the baby’s giggle just because you made a funny face sets things right for the most part. (Can’t say that any of the problems I faced as a non-mommy ever had such a simple fix :))
I know, having reliable help changes the game in many ways, but as of now, I have not had a lot of luck with that. In fact, my trusty old house help who was efficient but prone to tantrums (more so than the baby) has also quit recently and all the ladies know what I mean when I say it’s been a shitstorm of work lately.
About the second thing I would like to fix: Thank my mom more and be less of an asshole to her in general. I mean, she did this too! With two kids less than 3 years apart! With no driving skills/ people to drive her around! Fewer maids! Cooking 3 healthy meals for the family every day and so much more! I wish there was a way to know then how I would feel one day in her shoes. We have it so much better and we still struggle more. How did you do it, mom? Just, how?