What The F*&k!

Yeah, really! What the hell is up with the TV? I have been off it for 2 years, and now that I am back to it in the desperate attempt to while away my life’s last jobless and hence precious summer, I find it’s become more ridiculous than ever. Here’s the day’s report if you really wanna know what I am talking about. I went gymming in the morning, came back feeling really smug, had a leisurely long bath, made myself some strong coffee and switched on the TV.
Channel: Aastha. A British looking guy wearing hardcore saffron stuff – you know the beads, the huge rings, the tilak, orange stole – and reciting something in Sanskrit in an unmistakably Brit accent. I stare at him for 5 seconds thinking of what drove him to this, and then switched channels. Channel: Aaj Tak. One lady wearing a pink business suit (you get those somewhere?!) standing in front of a huge red big-on-flash-effects screen that has the picture (?) of a man with his face and head covered with the beaten-to-death-yet-going-strong caption “Doctor Darinda”. I didn’t have to listen to it to find out that the man was some kidney-stealer and was hence being glorified thus, for this is one channel that seems to be going rather consistent with its content over the last two years. So, switch! Channel: MTV. The 25-year-old me thinks this is a channel for youngistaan.. sure they must have something slightly more intelligent or intelligible to watch. Only to find that the show on is MTV Roadies 5.0. Five minutes into the show, I realize that I haven’t heard five full sentences of what is supposed to be the bedroom-gossip or the inside-scoop of our Roadies’ strategies because the whole damn conversation is beeped out. In between, I get snatches of their catfights that only just remind me of a certain sports meet a year back (bleedy nostalgia, I say!). Here goes:
A petite young lady who is and knows she is very pretty, accompanied by another not-so-pretty-but-equally-disillusioned young lady (To a more girl-next-door kind of girl who incidentally looks more of a Roadie than the other two): Yeah, we have been trying to single you out. Kar le jo karna hai. What reason? We don’t like you. We hate you. <full marks for subtlety, girls! And bonus points for the annoying drawl in which the above is said.>
Girl-next-door, rather unconvincingly: As if I am dying with my love for you.
The PYTs: We don’t like your structure. It’s too manly. <How irrelevant, methinks>
Girl-next-door: Me? My structure’s manly? Well, atleast I don’t wear padding. <SCORE!>
And switch!
Channel: Zee News (I am not too sure, but it was a Hindi news channel). Now apparently, in some insane corner of Delhi, some rat that looks nothing like a rat has entered a temple. The creature is something like what little kids make pictures of when they confuse a rat and a cat and believe me, most people would rather not have it in their kitchens. But the thing has entered a temple <Smart one, that!> and so to the innocent and jobless minds of everyone who visits and works in this temple, it can be none other than hold-your-breath Ganesha’s own Mooshak Raj. And not only are there daily bhajans in its reverence, they are also feeding it some kickass food. Never before in history did anything so obnoxious get so damn lucky, if you ask me. Shaking myself out of my disbelief plus stupor, I switch! Channel: Star Plus. One helpless damsel crying. Another one watching sadistically while her eyebrows arch at 55 degrees each, over her purple shaded eyelashes and desperate pout. Oh, forget it. And so I switch. Channel: Star News. Switch! Channel: Star World. <I can watch this stuff on my comp without any breaks>. Switch! The rest of the afternoon is spent watching ads which are much more fun, watching HIMYM on my comp and sleeping. In the words of MTV’s youngistaan dude, “WTF”!


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