Today’s the day when I’m feeling a little bit restless and a little bit annoyed about the lack of plans. Plans. General plans.

This sort of a day happens to me once in two months or so, when I cannot decide whether I want the status quo to change or not. It’s a random feeling that grows till I get angry at the next hapless person or till I remain calm and sad and tell the next hapless person in vague terms why I am so sad and then they tell me “it’s nothing” and then I lose it. Usually it’s followed by me doing something stupid/ drastic/ just different that I will later regret/ laugh at.

If there’s one thing I’m a total bitch about, I realize it’s having certainty in my life. I like to know when, where, why, with who and what I am going to be doing. I’d think this is a basic human requirement. But marriage and other circumstances of life ensure that in classic style of Life and Universe, that’s the one thing I never seem to get. Of late, I constantly find myself in the middle of so much chaos that I have two options:

1. Drown in a sea of lists I make to give myself some semblance of being organized and IN CONTROL

2. Drop all the balls and decide to wing it

The second one always always always ends in disasters. There’s no such thing as winging it when you’re supposed to be packing for work AND non-work travel to three different cities in one week. You HAVE TO think, just so your only option is not showing up at a formal event in your track pants. And yet, there isn’t much you can plan either, because guess what? You never knew this was going to be hurled your way till two days back. Both of which were working days when nothing gets done. Aaaaargh. Maybe I’m just being too whiny, but this has happened one too many times for my limited zen.

Maybe this is life’s way of teaching me how to not put a stop to other things in life when I do have plans in place and get super obsessed with tiny details in the run-up to them. Or maybe, this constant state of flux will take me to an early grave.

Re-reading this post will most likely make me feel like a domestic aunty caught up in a web of imaginary anxieties and non-existent problems, so I will just hit publish before I hit delete 😀



5 thoughts on “Flux

  1. Ah I totally know how that is. I absolutely NEED to have certainty in my life. Or it makes me feel too out of control, and I can’t live like that. Guess what, certainty is hard to achieve. #Truthoflife. I am still trying to cope with the constant uncertainties, and I know it isn’t easy.

    • Yeah, no escaping this. But sometimes it’s simply too overwhelming. My most intelligent response yet for those times has been to grab the blanket and go for a nap 🙂

  2. I get this strange panic attack once every few months. what am i doing with my life? am i doing too much or too less? somehow this happens t me no matter what i do 😛 the grass, they say, is always greener…

  3. *raises hand sheepishly*
    Hi, Im Revati and Im a certainty-addict and plan-o-holic too.

    But you know, of late, I’ve kind of learnt to let go a little here and there. Small baby steps, nothing major. And it does help. Ive discovered what fun stupid things like not doing my chores in my own planned way can be. Weekends of nothingness give me all the time in the world to read or catch up on movies. Spontaneous getaways tend to happen more often. Work stops ruling your life. And you know what, its not half bad 🙂 You should try it some time!

    • I really should. I’m at the verge of having a day when I’ll not even look at the laundry basket/ kitchen sink and just bolt right out the door and get myself a pedicure. I can feel it; about time 😀

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