WTF, WordPress. I wrote a post last night. I’ll tell you I risked life and limb to get it done (okay, I risked just my baby waking up as I typed noisily and her waking up = no sleep for me = RISK TO MY LIFE). And this morning, all I see is a hanging title with my wonderful post (I can call it wonderful since you can’t see it, heh) missing. Sob. The rare times I blog, why you do dis to me, WP? Anyway, it was about a Hindu Businessline article: here. The summary of my post was to please not let this lady get you all tube-tied because while it is exhausting and frustrating and maddening, this business of parenthood brings with a special kind of love which deserves being experienced by everyone who doesn’t vehemently NOT want kids. We can talk about it over coffee some time if you still want to discuss this. In 18 years though, because I have no time these days for coffee. Or going out. Or getting out of my PJs. And yet, my little daughter sends me one gummy grin and I’m ready for another brilliant day. You get the gist?
That aside, I’m turning into that person who can only talk/ write/ read about kid-related stuff. While pre-pregnancy me will look at this new me with a lot of dread, I am quite *so what* about it. Throw in a shrug and swagger. In fact, I am getting *so what* about many things and have so far attributed this world-dominating attitude to a) having given birth to a human being – it’s like once you have that out of the way, many things about your appearance and likability to others just cease to matter; b) turning 30 – I have this distinct feeling of being out of some kind of race I might have imagined myself to be in earlier.. it’s like a switch was flipped and I just refuse to partake in any sort of activity that’s the new measure of coolth and c) being housebound for the most part – being out of work and not having any kind of routine for yourself can just make you go with the flow – whether you like it or not. Now, the third of these is what I am on the fence about.
I am not new to being a stay-at-home person, and let me tell you stay-at-home mom is WAYY more productive than being stay-at-home non-mom that I once used to be. I do not feel even for a moment that I am whiling away my time. Consequently, I have little to no concerns about me never returning to work. It is depressing to people around me and their worry kind of rubs off on me, but every single time I introspect, I find no sense of wanting to go back desperately. I am confused about whether I should be happy about my having accepted my situation surprisingly easily (I did not expect this before) or sad about my subconscious lack of ambition. I do realize that once the wonderful days of babyhood and toddlerhood are over and baby goes to school, this nonchalance might be regretted by me and make me a bigger mess (I will be a mess whenever she has to go to school, that’s a given!) Ofcourse, all the other aspects of this working mom vs SAHM mom debate also apply here: I have no permanent support system to leave baby home yet, I do wonder about ever being able to get back to work after having been out of touch for years together, financial independence is important to me but not a decider but here’s the one that I most worry about: Am I really choosing this happily, because I will have to explain it to my daughter one day. That girls can be equally happy working at home or out of it. This includes teaching her that being a stay-at-home mum is as valid an option to her as being anything else her heart desires. Will it be holding her back? Will I be justifying my choice through her? Will I unwillingly make her feel guilty if she chooses to be a working mom? I mean no disrespect, these questions just swim around in my undecided mind. All answers seem like a calculated compromise.
More later. She is napping and I gotta eat 🙂