I’m unemployed. God knows I needed some time off. I had convinced myself about it too. But then, like I always do, I managed to plunge into this funk where the words dance around my head – “Unproductive” and “Jobless”. It’s not like I’ve not enjoyed the break. After many years of deadlines, it seemed like I was running myself into a wall, specially with the last job being so completely mind-numbing. And the sudden freedom sure felt like oxygen to the sputtering half-dead. I travelled – Singapore, Delhi, Bangalore, Udaipur, Jaipur, Ajmer, Chittor, Pushkar, Guwahati, Nagpur, Punjab, London – in a space of six months. I found the time to actually watch end-to-end World Cup matches – three in the stadium! I read whatever came my way – books, articles, magazines, news, blogs. I watched movies, read up imdb bios of lesser-known actors and got hooked to new TV stuff. Shopped for ingredients I didn’t know existed, experimented a lot with cooking new stuff, with better results than I expected. Cleaned up my diet a bit and started ingesting previously-yuck!-certified foods like yoghurt. Organized cabinets, went through several loads of dry-cleaning stuff, unearthed some still-packed wedding presents and discovered new goodies. Found the courage to plant two tiny saplings in my barely-there window ledge. Missed fewer gym sessions than I did earlier. Took up a freelance assignment in the same field of work, and though it’s dragging along uneventfully, it’s been a tiny effort at working for myself. Shopped on weekdays when stores were less crowded and there was nobody to rush me. Stayed up late every night and slept in every morning. Got long overdue pedicures and haircuts. And yes, I looked forward to every weekend when my friends and the husband would be as jobless as me. Would have loved to do many other things that’ll wait for another time.
It’s been detoxifying in many ways and it has helped me gain perspective on many personal and professional fronts. Things that make me happy and why. Things I wish I’d thought about more earlier. Things I need to change about myself. Things that were far bigger in my head than they really are. Things I never stopped to notice. And blessings I often forgot to count. The more the distance I put between myself and the corporate rat race, the more meaningless the last few years of my life seem to be.
However, as you may point out, I didn’t blog as often as I said I would like to, and not even as often as I did before the break (also missed blogging on the fourth anniversary of this blog 3 months ago!). For one, as fun as I might make this sound, there are always phases when you feel your worth is decided by how many hours you clock on an actual worklog. And the only posts that brewed up at such times were whiny and angry – stuff I refrained myself from putting up on the blog. Secondly, there are certain things about this situation that make me insecure and I didn’t want to bare all my cards in an open blog. The only posts I wrote were the times I was reassuring myself that I was alright 🙂
Over the past month though, I’m back to being edgy and prone to snap. The feeling of time slipping from my grip has returned. I’m in the middle of an unshakable funk that envelopes me. My bed is my island, and one day last week, I panicked a little bit at the thought of how many hours I had spent with my ass parked right there. Seemed like it’s time to step out again into the big, bad world and swim with the flow.
So yes, even though, this royal life agrees an awful lot with me and my lazy ways, it’s time to dust that CV again and go hunting. This time, hopefully, I’ll tread carefully and land somewhere more promising. About time this life was lived on my own terms. Sure it’s a painful journey of trying to answer questions about this “sabbatical”, but I’ll find a way.
Wish me luck, and come back soon-ish. I hope to right some wrongs, and post more often in my run-up to landing a half-decent vocation 🙂