Mumspeak

WTF, WordPress. I wrote a post last night. I’ll tell you I risked life and limb to get it done (okay, I risked just my baby waking up as I typed noisily and her waking up = no sleep for me = RISK TO MY LIFE). And this morning, all I see is a hanging title with my wonderful post (I can call it wonderful since you can’t see it, heh) missing. Sob. The rare times I blog, why you do dis to me, WP? Anyway, it was about a Hindu Businessline article: here. The summary of my post was to please not let this lady get you all tube-tied because while it is exhausting and frustrating and maddening, this business of parenthood brings with a special kind of love which deserves being experienced by everyone who doesn’t vehemently NOT want kids. We can talk about it over coffee some time if you still want to discuss this. In 18 years though, because I have no time these days for coffee. Or going out. Or getting out of my PJs. And yet, my little daughter sends me one gummy grin and I’m ready for another brilliant day. You get the gist?

That aside, I’m turning into that person who can only talk/ write/ read about kid-related stuff. While pre-pregnancy me will look at this new me with a lot of dread, I am quite *so what* about it. Throw in a shrug and swagger. In fact, I am getting *so what* about many things and have so far attributed this world-dominating attitude to a) having given birth to a human being – it’s like once you have that out of the way, many things about your appearance and likability to others just cease to matter; b) turning 30 – I have this distinct feeling of being out of some kind of race I might have imagined myself to be in earlier.. it’s like a switch was flipped and I just refuse to partake in any sort of activity that’s the new measure of coolth and c) being housebound for the most part – being out of work and not having any kind of routine for yourself can just make you go with the flow – whether you like it or not. Now, the third of these is what I am on the fence about.

I am not new to being a stay-at-home person, and let me tell you stay-at-home mom is WAYY more productive than being stay-at-home non-mom that I once used to be. I do not feel even for a moment that I am whiling away my time. Consequently, I have little to no concerns about me never returning to work. It is depressing to people around me and their worry kind of rubs off on me, but every single time I introspect, I find no sense of wanting to go back desperately. I am confused about whether I should be happy about my having accepted my situation surprisingly easily (I did not expect this before) or sad about my subconscious lack of ambition. I do realize that once the wonderful days of babyhood and toddlerhood are over and baby goes to school, this nonchalance might be regretted by me and make me a bigger mess (I will be a mess whenever she has to go to school, that’s a given!) Ofcourse, all the other aspects of this working mom vs SAHM mom debate also apply here: I have no permanent support system to leave baby home yet, I do wonder about ever being able to get back to work after having been out of touch for years together, financial independence is important to me but not a decider but here’s the one that I most worry about: Am I really choosing this happily, because I will have to explain it to my daughter one day. That girls can be equally happy working at home or out of it. This includes teaching her that being a stay-at-home mum is as valid an option to her as being anything else her heart desires. Will it be holding her back? Will I be justifying my choice through her? Will I unwillingly make her feel guilty if she chooses to be a working mom? I mean no disrespect, these questions just swim around in my undecided mind. All answers seem like a calculated compromise.

More later. She is napping and I gotta eat 🙂

 

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The last time..

.. I posted here was over a year back! Yes, that post you see under this one.. it’s not Dec 4 2013 but Dec 4 2012. I distinctly remember that I had joined a 30-day blogging challenge which went to the dogs on Day 4. Since then, I have wanted to come back and write many times. Like when the new year came around (2013). Like when the Nirbhaya or Jyoti Singh Pandey case was throwing everything ugly about India in our faces. Or when I had a wonderful quiet staycation in Bangalore. Also, when I had the first surgery of my life. Like when I had an important announcement to make about my personal life. The million moments after that, that deserved to be recorded. The end of 2013. My resolutions and what not. 

It seems I can never really get around to sitting down and writing about things if I plan too much. So here I am, telling you in the most unbecoming comeback manner what all has happened in my life since December 2012:

At the time of that last post, I was in the throes of the worst of the morning sickness and waiting to let the world know that I was expecting. I had also found out that I was borderline anemic and have hypothyroidism. Both conditions could be controlled/medicated in time. By April, when I was feeling better, we had a little holiday in Thailand with family.. a babymoon of sorts. After returning, I was due for my mandatory tetanus shots to be given during pregnancy, the first of which went terribly wrong resulting in a skin abscess. Had to be put under general anesthesia and have a removal procedure, which was most scary because GA + antibiotics during pregnancy are not recommended except absolutely unavoidable. Had the most depressing time worrying about all sorts of things, combined with pregnancy hormones. Went through a not-so-comfortable third trimester with insomnia, itchiness, nightmares and other assorted goodies. Gave birth to my wonderful little baby girl on July 25, 2013, a day after the due date; we have named her Anushka. Been stumbling about the many parenting challenges that one can face in the short span of five months. Took her for her first holiday end of 2013.

Because I have always loved mommy blogs and believe there’s much to learn out there, this could become a mommy blog in future – you stand warned (considering there is still anybody who visits this place). I would love to share my pregnancy and birth story, my aha moments along the path of mommyhood, how my life has changed and is changing every day since that one moment, and all the other rants/ ideas/ inner monologues I shared before. 

I promise nothing and this is not a 30 day challenge or a 100 happy days feature or a one post a day week or anything of the kind – because we all know that when I do those, I disappear for years. This is just a Hi! to say I am back, I have been reading many of your blogs, but you can expect to see my comments on your blogs and to read more about my life here more regularly. 

A happy 2014 to all of you!

How’ve you been?

Day 4: Addiction

Just the second day and I am short of things to say. This morning, I caught myself thinking how much time I waste these days and decided to do a listing of how much time I spend doing various activities daily. In just a couple of days, I was looking at quite a few bitter revelations. I think there’s more unproductive time in my day these days than there’s productive. Of course, I could blame this on the funk I’ve been in, but even so, I need to change something very quickly for my own sanity. Isn’t confession the first step of change? So I’m laying it all out bare here, so whoever reads this page can also tell me how you deal with any (or all!) of these addictions that steal away our time:

– No prizes for guessing, the number one has to be the Internet.I swear, I have looked up symptoms of Internet addiction for my..ummm.. condition. It’s one thing to sit with a cup of tea and browse through your reading list or favourite blogs, but it’s entirely another to start reading a page, go back and click all the links in it and suddenly discover that the clock has moved 4 hours ahead. I don’t know what or how I am going to do something about this (I did think about giving up the broadband connection at home and shuddered immediately), but for now, I am thinking of trying to define some browsing time over the day and attempt to stick to that.

– When I’m not refreshing Twitter like a maniac or reading something off Thought Catalog, I’m day-dreaming about something and that, these days, changes into worrying about something or the other. I know. How very productive. I don’t know how one thing sets off another trail of things but I’m more than capable of always identifying and over-thinking about the worst outcome of all. This reeks of pessimism, I’m aware. It’s pretty recent and well, one of my more unpleasant addictions. I believe this has to do with having some extra time on my hands and these days, and should sort itself out when I get busier. I hope.

Bad TV. Seriously. There’s something about sitting through episodes of Two and a Half Men or HIMYM or Grey’s Anatomy while being only half-aware of what’s going on. I think it just gives me a sense of being occupied with something when really, it doesn’t take up any active mindspace and I can just lie there being lazy and un-guilty about it. 😀 It’s getting so addictive that I don’t even really mind re-reruns and that’s just criminal waste of time.

– This one is so ironical I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. A large portion of my somewhat-productive (I really can’t decide) time goes into making To-Do Lists.  Long, elaborate lists that never get done.

Do any of you do these things and later regret them too? Any ideas?

Marathon Blogger

Day 3: Celebration

I’ve been missing in action a long time and most of that can be attributed to just how many curve-balls life has thrown me the past few days. Before I let the whining take over, I will explain what brings me here. Some of the older blogger peeps whom I used to read rather religiously, like Monika and Rohini, have initiated an effort to come back to blogging and writing more regularly. I’ve been wanting to do just that and this seems like an opportunity where getting the oft-required nudge might be easier than finding self-motivation. However, given my current state of my mind and life, I am setting myself up for at least 20 days of blogging in December under this Blog Marathon and not all 31 (having missed 2 days already and setting real targets etc.) Here goes today’s post:

Marathon Blogger

Yesterday, the husband A and I celebrated the third anniversary of our wedding day. Three years of being married and nearly six of having been together seem to have just fit into my life story like they were always supposed to, and yet my wedding day seems like a blurry memory from far far away. I don’t know if the learning curve in a marriage continues to be this steep when you step into, say, double digit years of being married to each other but so far, I can distinctly see how different I am as a person and a partner than I was three years ago.  I don’t think I have written about A very often, and I do dislike mushy public proclamations of love but this once, it doesn’t feel overt. Through many of my phases and moods and illnesses, he has been my rock and my best friend this year. I’m still going through a rather uncertain and stressful phase, and the one thing I never need to worry about is having his support in doing the right thing. With the hand I’ve been dealt, I am the weak one this time and as I lean on him to do the thinking and the motivating and the other tiring work these days, I cannot help but be thankful for him being who he is. My favourite memory of this year, grim like the tone of this post, has to be from August. Fighting the chicken pox and the fever and the headaches and the itchiness that come with it, I burst into tears and was crying pitifully unable to sleep one night. The meds were taking their time to ease my discomfort and I felt the worst ever. A, who must have been stressed and worried and tired like anyone dealing with a sick person at 3 a.m. will be, gave up on telling me practical things like trying to sleep, drinking more water and just started singing for me. It was so peaceful listening to him that I did manage to smile after a while and actually fall asleep. I woke up after a while to still find him humming and fell asleep again. It was a moment that will stay with me whenever I find myself being selfish and unreasonable with him.

Happy Anniversary to us 🙂

Avalanche

Of work and just random things to do. Yes, that’s what I feel like I’m battling these days. Over the past year, I have refrained from calling myself busy because it sounds funny to myself. How busy could I be, having eliminated long commutes (thanks to the new workplace being literally 5 minutes from home) and not having to deal with bosses that had no concept of personal life.. it’s ridiculous, really. But at the moment, it seems like while I’ve always been telling myself that those things were the real busy, another kind of busy seems to have been invented and well, I’m it. And what do you know, this is the real deal! Work – lots and lots and lots of it seems to be charging at me in waves and I think it’s time to accept that I’m very overwhelmed at times. It’s bringing out a new kind of crazy in me and if you know me well, you know that I don’t have the bandwidth for more types of crazy in me 😀

What do I mean, you ask? (Play along if you didn’t ask.) Being a control freak of the most terrible kind, I often find myself having to choose to delegate or let go of things when the volume of work is so large. It’s not easy. Not the part where I have to delegate, but the part where I have to look like the asshole who delegates and then wants things done like they do it themselves. I can literally see the “Then do it yourself” thought cloud on people’s heads sometimes. And then there’s the thing about being severely disorganized. I think I have mentioned this on the blog before about, oh, only 456323 times that I have a List OCD. There are organized people, there are hyper-organized ones, there are micro-organizing folks and then there are those who need a list for everything. I am the one with this last condition. I honestly believe my short term memory has been shattered to pieces because of my urge to jot everything down.. I just can’t seem to commit to remember things anymore. If it’s not on the list, it’s not going to happen. At this moment, there are about 5 lists in my folder and I have 6 subscriptions to List-y websites. I think I need a list of all the lists I need to look at. Now, for the problem. When things are hitting you at 1 per millisecond and everything gets done over a few days, it’s possible to lose track of their progress and it’s also possible that you won’t have time to keep updating your pretty lists. This, needless to say, is driving me to an early grave. I wake up the next day and realize that something that should have been done yesterday is basically nowhere on anyone’s radar even today and probably can’t get started till tomorrow. It is The Worst Thing Ever.

So basically, I haven’t had the time to breathe and just sort my shit out. BUT, I’m going on a holiday 😀 Details will come later. Before the holiday begins, the biggest festival of the year for us arrives in the next 10 days. Durga Puja. To me, it means good food and a lot of fun and I’m quite looking forward to it. What I’m not looking forward to is even thinking about the packing for the two trips. Between the work (refer the first two paragraphs), the meager one-day weekends to unwind, the workouts, the little sorry bits I try to do around the house and the internet addiction, I have my hands full.

Don’t know when I’m going to be back around here, but today, just felt like saying it all out here. Didn’t quite care if it came out coherent. The one thing that prompted me? Someone seems to have read a gazillion posts from my archives yesterday and not left a single comment. I do that to a lot of bloggers, but probably, I’ll say a little hello next time 🙂

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come

I didn’t say that, Shakespeare did. But as today happens to be my birthday (cue inappropriate and illegally youthful hip hop number about how we’re going to party because it is my birthday), this seems to fit beautifully.

Last year, I didn’t write a birthday post but the year before, I wrote this one. I was turning 27 then.  I was freaking out about getting old. This year, there’s no reason to freak out because I’m already old. Hence, the quote. Well, it may be my last birthday in the twenties but it’s not all wrinkles and creaking bones, because there are always some merits of any age:

– If you were brought up to respect elders, well, it’s finally time for self-respect!

– If a dentist scared you earlier, pending pap smears should make a dental consultation visit feel like a trip to the candy shop.

– If people didn’t care for your opinions earlier, they still won’t but you can wave a fat finger at them and ramble “young people of today think..”

TWENTY NINE. ok maybe, I am freaking out a little. I promise not to if next year, we can all agree to call my birthday the first anniversary of my twenty ninth birthday and the second anniversary the year after that and so on. Crisis averted, Houston.

Jokes apart (LOLJK, the jokes never end), the last year has been quite the ride for me. It’s going to be a year since my Year of Debauchery ended abruptly and I had to actually get up for breakfast in the morning. This year – as I never tire of sympathy gaining tactics – has also been the year I have been sick the most. Specially the latter half with ear ailments and chicken pox and an eye issue that I *gasp* forgot to gross you out about. I have also lost five kilos over the last year and all of it on my own terms (I will NOT give up cheesecake), but I feel unfit in general. This year’s most wonderful travels were Spain and Bali. And overall, I think I have shouted at people a lot lesser this year – the fact that this has to be a separate point in my life’s round-up is a telling point of how much worse it was. But it has also been a year of pushing barriers and learning a few things – for that, I am happy. Yet, it feels like a birthday in waiting.. err, for the first anniversary of this day. Seriously, if turning 30 doesn’t make all of my wisdom teeth sprout at once, I’m going to be super disappointed.

So here’s my somewhat vague wishes for this all-important year (please don’t call me out on my “getting inspired” skills if you read that 27th birthday post):

One day at a time. Read more. Cook more. Remember to ask “what’s the worst that could happen?” Be kind. Everything else is negotiable.